Kids & School Jokes

** 1))A woman takes a lover in the afternoon while her husband is working. One day her little boy comes home early and she puts him in the closet. Then the husband comes home early too, she puts the lover in the same closet.
Boy: Sure is dark in here.
Lover: Sure is.
Boy: I have a baseball
Lover: How nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Lover: How much?
Boy:$25.00
Lover: That's outrageous.
Boy My dad is outside.
Lover: Ok I will buy it.
A few weeks later the same thing happens and they both end up in the closet again.
Boy: Sure is dark in here
Lover: Sure is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Lover: remembering the last time says "How much?"
Boy:$75.00
The lover buys the glove. 
Shortly after the father says to the boy," Lets go out and catch some ball." The little boy says he can't because he sold his ball and glove.
Father: For how much?
Boy: $100.00.
Father: That was much more than they were worth that is terrible to over charge your friends like that I think you need to go to church and confess.
So the father takes the boy to church and the little boy gets into the confessional and waits for the priest. He hears the door close on the other side and he says "Sure is dark in here" 
and the priest says "Don't start that stuff again!" 

2))A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing £5.00. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her £5.00 pay to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"? 
"I will if those useless wankers at the builders merchants ever bring us the fucking bricks", replied the little girl. 

3))Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?" 
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!" "Why?" his father asked. 
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom...!"   

4))
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says ,"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious" 

5))At Sunday-School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of Adam's rib. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what's the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

6))A teacher is talking to her class full of infants "If your mother was a bird, what sort would she be?" she asks the children 
The first child says - "If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a dove", 
"That's nice" said the teacher, "why's that?" 
Because she's beautiful and pure and reminds me of a dove" says the little boy 
"If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a stork" says the second boy, 
"Oh and why's that?" says the teacher 
"Because she's tall and elegant and reminds me of a stork" says the boy 
"If my mummy was a bird she'd be a thrush" says the third boy 
"Why's that?" says the teacher 
"Because she's an irritating cunt!"  

7))A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied. 
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. 
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked. 
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs." 
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having that sort of shit in our garden." 

 8))A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied. 
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. 
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked. 
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs." 
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having that sort of shit in our garden."